"Mahal mo pa ba ko?"
"Oo naman. I still love you but not with the same intensity as it used to be. We both know we're going nowhere. Ang tagal na nating ganito. Pagod na ko..."
"Pagod ka na sa kin?"
"Pagod na kong maghintay. Pagod na kong maghintay kung kelan magiging okay ang lahat. For the longest time, hinayaan kita sa gusto mo, to be alone. Kahit na masakit. Kasi akala ko magiging okay ang lahat. Nakakapagod din palang maghintay. I know you've got issues, problems to solve. Madami din akong problems to solve and issues to face. I tried to be strong for the two of us. Pero ngayon wala na kong mahugot na lakas. I wanted to help you, us. But now, I can't seem to find the strength to help myself. I feel drained..."
"Gusto mo na bang umalis?"
"I don’t know… Would you let me?"
"Wala naman akong maio-offer sau... I understand you. Ikaw naman ang masasaktan pag hindi mo ginawa to. How I wish lang i treated you the way that you wanted. I hope I was able to make you happy somehow."
"You did... I just wish the happiness could last..."
I'm sorry for looking back as you walked away. To see you in such a pitiful state, that look of defeat, of helplessness, as you gaze back brings guilt to my heart. I wanted to hug you for the last time, but I was afraid.
Afraid that if I did so I won't let you go.
Monday, December 17, 2007
How To Break Somebody's Heart
Thursday, December 13, 2007
The Moment of Truth
I've been crying all night since he and I talked. I never was such a cry-baby but each time we came to a point when emotions are outpoured, grievances are heard, and a slew of hurtful words have been thrown, I was always the one who ends up crying.
Last night was the end of a short-lived romance, an affair that never was, an affair that never could be. Yes, I fell in love with him. To make things worse, i am also into a relationship which today is exactly a month short to 4 years.
The Hubby
I met hubby through blogging. We became the best of friends online and off. We were in each other's relationships. I, with a girl for less than 3 years, and He, with a guy for more than 2 yrs. Those were different stories. To cut the story short, we became lovers from being mere friends.
I have always believed that the success of any relationship is never a function of the length of time spent together. Rather by the quality of the time well spent. Slowly, I felt like Hubby and I were drifting away from each other. He needed assurance; of our relationship, of me, of himself. It was not a smooth ride as we have battered the long and winding path with tire breaks, fuel shortages, steep inclines, rocks, landslides, and whatnots. But the engine could only take so much, the time will come that it will have to stop.
The Pseudo-Kabit
We tend to do things in cycle. As they say, walang kadala-dala. He came at a point when i was becoming more and more complacent, rather apathetic, of my relationship with Hubby. I was taking things as they come and go. Passive in it's truest sense. He taught me the value of being proactive. Of knowing what you want, and getting it. He taught me to dream, to fly not just for the sake of flying but to soar high. He encouraged me to aim for the sky, and not just the roof. I was breathing a new life. Fresh and sunny. It was all too good to be true. And I was loving it.
I thought he was okay with what we have, with what he had. I knew he needs more than that but I was not ready to give it to him. Not yet. He was more than willing to wait, that's what he said and that's what I believed in. Perhaps I had been all too selfish by thinking so. For the time came when somebody walked into his life who can and is willing to give the things that I was hesitating to give.
I know he has the right to be happy. I am just sad and hurt that I was not the one who's giving him that happiness.
Last night, we were finally able to confront our demons. In the middle of my crying and his half-jokes, he decided to leave, and I to let go.
The Third Blow
I woke up this morning to my brother's messages. My mother has pneumonia and in dire need of medication for at least a month. I was shocked. I knew she was scheduled to see a specialist the other week and they told me she was okay. That moment I didn't feel my worth as a son. I was too busy dealing with my own pains while she struggles dealing with hers. And I felt so bad.
I called home as soon as I arrived in the office. In the confines of the conference room I wasnt able to control myself and burst into tears as I talked to her. I never wanted to let her know that I'm crumbling deep inside. I wanted to give her strength but I can't seem to find where to draw it. I have never felt this helpless. And I don't want her to know that I am.
***
Hubby texted about the monthsary, and the fact that the relationship is no longer what it used to be. I told him I am tired. Of our setup, our situation. I miss the friend I had in him. And when the time comes I wish I will only lose the lover and not the friend.
I feel tired. Drained. Overwhelmed. I feel like one huge emotional punching bag. All in one blow: Hubby, Mike, my Mom. Right. Left. Right through the middle. The Forces-That-Be must have been a sadist.
***
For the first time in years, I found myself talking again to a friend. The One I abandoned a long time ago. In one sweeping motion, I sat down on the restroom cubicle and went on my knees. Prayed and wept.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Fear Factor
While exchanging texts with a friend:
dasd: Comment ng friend ko sa blog mo: "he has a way with words. ramdam ng readers kung ano ang gusto nya parating."
me: pakisabi sa friend mo thanks. Sino ba yun?
dasd: Si ___. Di mo kilala.
me: ahh ok.
dasd: natakot daw siya sa yo. (huwat?) may something daw na nakakatakot sau. D niya malaman. Hehe. To quote him: "hindi ako sure eh. Basta while reading his profile at mga posts parang there's something underneath. Something na he's hiding either from you (dasd) o sa readers niya. Normally I will get curious pero iba today. natakot ako. Hahaha"
me: errr. actually ako ang natakot sa friend mo. pano naman daw niya nasabi un?
dasd: seryoso ka siguro kasi. Ayun tapos mga pics mo highly dramatic.
me: does it have to do with the picture of the bloody heart with a knife?
dasd: Hindi daw. Baka ikaw ung tipong pwede magcommit ng crime of passion.
me: oohhkay...
Now, that kept me thinking. What on earth was that all about? Granting the guy was good in psychoanalysis, if not remotely related to Freud, what could his basis had been in telling so?
When I look in front of the mirror, I don't see a hunk or suave guy, nor do I see a serial killer-type of man with the beady eyes. All I see was this sweet, virginal, all-too-innocent uber-gorgeous guy (Okay! Okay! sabi ko nga itigil na ang ilusyon eh.. haha!)
I may be passive, but certainly not a sicko. Not yet. *grins*. Hindi naman ako mukhang kriminal, bakit kaya siya natakot? Hmmm.
I checked my profile and previous posts and I can't see anything that can trigger a spark of fear to an incidental reader. Talk about spark, just because I mentioned breathing gasoline for air, it doesn't necessarily mean I would do a Peter Petrelli in Heroes 
and blow the entire Makati CBD. That is absurd. Hehe.
The case in point made me look back to one particular topic we had in Communications 3 back in college. The Johari Window. 
According to this blog: "Each of us pos(s)esses qualities which are either public (top-left), private (bottom-left), blind (top-right), or unknown (bottom-right). The public window pane contains things about me which are know(n) to myself and others. The blind window pane contains things others know about me, but which I don’t know about myself. It’s sort of the “spinach in the tooth” or “bad breath” window. The private window pane represents things I know about myself but which others don’t. These are the skeletons in the closet. The unknown window pane represents things about me that neither I nor others are aware of."
To put it in blog-speak, the blog is a manifestation of things that the blogger wants him to be perceived. But in doing so, there are a lot of things that the readers can see, impressions that they have deduced from the posts which the blogger was not even aware of. The friend of a friend may have seen something about me through this blog that even I was not aware of. Or it could also be just an impression, which for the most part are just that. Impressions. Don't believe the cliche, first impressions seldom last. At least if you will have the chance to know the real person behind the person.
But is there truth in what the friend of the friend claimed? Do I really send "fear" signals across? Oh well...
Paging Doctor Lecter... Paging Doctor Lecter... To the Operating Room please!...
You'll have to excuse me. I have a business to attend to. *insert evil grin here*
Monday, December 10, 2007
King of Pain
Finally convinced myself to wear braces. And it damn hurts especially since some parts are scratching the insides of my cheeks, plus Doc had to extract one upper tooth. The price of vanity. Pain.
I was worried I couldn't make it to Andrei's (my ex-roommate in college) send-off party which was a hit. The Sunken Garden was as green as I remembered it to be, a breath of fresh air amidst the heavy polluted atmosphere of the metro. Catched up with the latest news about old friends whom I haven't seen for quite some time now. I laughed my head off even if it meant exerting extra effort not to add more scratches in my mouth.
Ex was there. And all I managed to say was a nervous "Hi". A nod, which in all fairness, she acknowledged. I tried to find the courage to start a conversation with her but to no avail. Torpe pa rin, after all these years.
I've been bruised and battered the previous night, physically and emotionally. For a different reason. And the thought of her being so near, yet so very, very far only made it worse. After capsules of Tranexamic Acid (aka Hemostan, for bleeding) and Mefenamic Acid (aka Ponstan, to kill pain), the bleeding of the open gum has stopped, and the pain has subsided.
Wishing there's a prescription for bleeding and aching heart.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Late Night Bloopers
Unang Yugto:
Remember this 2 year-old cute kid? 
Anak siya ng kapitbahay sa kabilang unit. Medyo kumplikado ang status ng relationship ng parents niya so to cut the long story short, hindi nila kasama sa bahay ang totoo nyang Daddy. Makulit ang batang to, palibhasa siya lang ang bata sa apat na units sa corner ng corridor namin kaya beybing beybi ng lahat. Sweet kasi tong bata na to, pag pinakiss mo, talagang ikikiss ka niya ng may kasamang “Mwah!”.
Pag-uwi ko from work, nasa corridor sila Boyong, nilalaro siya ng lola niya, Tito and isang Tita.. Medyo kaclose ko na din naman ang mga kapitbahay this past few months. Hindi na ko ermitanyo. Hehe. Paglabas ko sa elevator at nakita ako ni Tita Baby na lola niya, tanong agad siya kay Boyong:
Tita Baby: “Boyong, Boyong, sino yun?” (sabay turo sa kin, all smiles naman ako)
Boyong: (in his cute childish talk): “PAPA!”
Tawanan sila lahat. Ako naman, nagblush. Ung cute na cute na blush. Hahahaha!
Wish kulang.
Ikalawang Yugto
While having dinner at Doc’s place kasama si Housemate, Neighbor 1, and Neighbor 2..
Doc: “Papa Bob, May pasok ka ng December 26-28?”
Me: “Yaps. Baket po?”
Doc: “Kasi uuwi ako ng probinsiya nun, walang maiiwan dito sa bahay kasi uuwi din sila neighbor 1 & 2. Walang magpapakain sa mga fishes ko sa aquarium.”
Me: “Tapos?”
Doc: “Pwede bang ikaw na lang magpakain? Kung gusto mo dito ka na lang magstay nun, tapos gamitin mo na din ung kotse.”
Me: “Doc, hindi ako marunong magdrive.”
Doc: “Cge, ganito na lang, tuturuan kita magdrive kung dito ka tatao sa bahay ko sa 26-28. Please?”
Me: *Isip*isip*
Doc: “Kailangan ko pa bang lumuhod sa harap mo?....*paawa epek*”
Neighbor 1 & 2 plus Housemate: *nagkatinginan sabay* “Ano daw? Luluhuran ni Doc si Papa Bob?”
Tawanan ulit lahat. Syempre ako, blush ulit. Ung cute na cute na blush.
Me: “Cge na nga Doc, deal na. Ako na tatao sa bahay mo sa 26-28. Luhod na. Bilis.”
Harharhar!
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Nosebleed Exercise
May nagforward nito sa email. Isang paraan na naman para waldasin ang company resources sa walang katuturang bagay. hahaha.
Included is a list of Tagalog words na kailangang itranslate sa English. Masaya to! click nyo na lang ung link para idownload ang Excel file at isave sa PC nyo.
Ipwesto ang tisyu sa maabot ng kamay. Enjoy!
Paki-Ingles Po
Ano ang iskor mo?
Note: kung di mo madownload ung nasa link, read the rest of the post.
Ano ang Ingles sa sumusunod na Tagalog words? Letters in caps are the first letters of the answers.
1 abenida A
2 adhika A
3 aguhilya H
4 ahedres C
5 alpombra C
6 amanos Q
7 angkla A
8 apog L
9 asarol H
10 asero S
11 asoge M
12 aspile P
13 bagwis W
14 bahagdan P
15 batubalani M
16 balara D
17 balarila G
18 balintataw P
19 balumbon R
20 bisig A
21 butaw F
22 kabanata C
23 kabihasnan C
24 kalaboso J
25 kalasag S
26 kalaykay R
27 kamagong M
28 kamisadentro S
29 kapilya C
30 kola G
31 konde C
32 koreo M
33 krusipiho C
34 kusot S
35 dama C
36 dikya J
37 duhat B
38 dutsa S
39 eskrima F
40 espongha S
41 gabinete C
42 gatilyo T
43 gisantes P
44 gulod S
45 gunita M
46 guryon K
47 guwantes G
48 halimaw M
49 halingling G
50 hapag T
Suko na ba?
51 hibla F
52 hilik S
53 hinanakit G
54 hinete J
55 hinlalaki T
56 hipo T
57 hiringgilya S
58 hugot D
59 hulma M
60 hunyango C
61 hurno O
62 igat E
63 itsa T
64 labaha R
65 laktaw S
66 lagda S
67 lawin H
68 lebadura Y
69 lila V
70 limos A
71 lintik L
72 lyre L
73 lulon S
74 luya G
75 luwalhati G
76 mabini M
77 halubilo M
78 balatkayo D
79 mumog G
80 lampaso M
81 halimuyak F
82 maharlika N
83 laswa D
84 himagsik R
85 maselan D
86 maton B
87 maya S
88 mayelo I
89 medida T
90 mitsa W
91 mongha N
92 muwebles F
93 nangangalumata H
94 nilaga S
95 nitso T
96 niyebe S
97 nunal M
98 ngawit T
99 ngisi G
100 nguya C
Kaya pa? Eto tisyu, bilis. Nosebleed.
101 oso B
102 orasyon A
103 pabo T
104 pabula F
105 pakay P
106 pakyawan W
107 padyak S
108 pagbabawas S
109 pain B
110 payaso C
111 palara F
112 palaso A
113 palikpik F
114 palikuran T
115 palong C
116 paltos B
117 pambalana C
118 paminta P
119 panday B
120 panibugho J
121 pantal R
122 pantog B
123 kiliti T
124 paos H
125 parabula P
126 parirala P
127 parokyano P
128 parola L
129 pasas R
130 pastol S
131 patibong T
132 pekas F
133 peluka W
134 peklat S
135 pilak S
136 pilegas P
137 pilikmata E
138 pilipit T
139 pinagbuhatan O
140 pita D
141 pluma P
142 pranela F
143 wisik S
144 pugon F
145 pulgada I
146 pulikat C
147 pruweba P
148 pulot-pukyutan H
149 pulseras B
150 puswelo C
Konti na lang, pramis!
151 buslo B
152 rayuma R
153 rebentador F
154 rentas R
155 repaso R
156 rikado I
157 roskas T
158 saboy S
159 sabsaban M
160 sabuwatan C
161 saknong S
162 sakim S
163 salamangka M
164 salinlahi G
165 salungguhit U
166 sastre T
167 selyo S
168 sentido T
169 serbesa B
170 seradura L
171 simboryo D
172 silindro H
173 singhot S
174 sitsit G
175 siyanawa A
176 sorbetes I
177 sugarol G
178 sustento A
179 suson L
180 tabing C
181 uwak C
182 utong N
183 alingawngaw E
184 alingasaw S
185 uhales B
186 tutuli E
187 tutuldok C
188 tripulante C
189 tigdas M
190 tenyente L
191 teklado K
192 tanikala C
193 talamak C
194 talampas C
195 taimtim S
196 takipsilim S
197 yungib C
198 yugto A
199 yodo I
200 yeso C
O, Ilan ang nasagutan mo? Goodluck sa haba di ba?
Leave your email para sa sagot.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Saint Sinner
While having coffee with a college friend and reminiscing past relationships:
R: I just can't believe it until now.
B: Can't believe what?
R: That you and Ex are over. Kasi kahit ako nagulat....Hanggang ngayon nga gulat pa rin ako na kaya mong mag-two time.
B: Err. It's been four years, remember. Hindi lang kasi ko nagsasabi sa inyo about the real reasons behind the breakup. Besides, do you still have to know?
R: Yeah, we don't need to. I just think very highly of you kaya lang ako nagulat. At least ngayon medyo tao ka na. . . . Hindi ka na St. Bob.
B: I may look like an angel to you but I certainly am not a saint. :)
